A Wedding, Revenge, and Psychological Warfare
by SlightlyFrumiousBandersnatch
Summary: Lily and James are getting married, at long last, and now all that's left to do is survive the ceremony, the reception, and get revenge on Sirius for the story he told in the toast. LilyJames, obviously. Features cruelty to Sirius. COMPLETED
1. The Prologue

**Disclaimer: the characters, apart from Jana Whitethorn and a couple of random wedding guests, do not belong to me. They belong to JKR and her publishers. Honestly, if they belonged to me, I wouldn't be writing crummy fanfic, would I?**

**Also, thanks to the people who suggested that I take this bit out of italics.****

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Lily Evans was lying in her hotel bedroom, unable to sleep for excitement. Within twelve hours, Lily Evans would cease to exist, but Lily Potter would be dancing with her husband.

She really did have to get some sleep. Probably the best thing to do would be to run over her mental checklist:

Item one: Dress. That's in the closet over there, and it's perfectly safe.

Item two: Weather. Mrs. Potter says it'll be fine.

Item three: the Cake. It's on a high shelf down stairs. Hopefully Sirius won't find it.

Item four: Hair. Washed, blow-dried, braided for the night, and generally mistreated to within an inch of whatever life it ever had.

Item five: Petunia. I can probably find some way to stop her from...being Petunia.

It was at this critical stage of her thought process that she heard a light rapping on her window. Looking up, it proved to be James, who appeared to be attempting to land a broom on the balcony. She got up and went over to the door.

"James Emeritus Potter!" she screamed, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I was wondering if you might want to go flying with me," said James innocently, "Or are you referring to something else?"

"I was referring to the fact that you just landed a broom on a balcony outside a muggle hotel, without even bothering to bring an invisibility cloak, and now you're asking me to go out flying with you." Lily said, barely able to stop herself from screaming at him.

"Oh, that," said James, "I did bring the invisibility cloak-"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING IT?" Lily screamed. James just shrugged, "Does it really matter?" he said, apparently oblivious of the fact that he had just jeopardized the secrecy of the entire Wizarding race, as well as really annoying his fiancé.

"Sometimes I wonder about you, James," said Lily.

"You wonder where I got my looks from?" said James.

"I know that," said Lily, "From a squashed armadillo, of course. What I meant was: Where did it go?"

"Where did what go?" asked James, looking slightly puzzled.

"If you had one you'd know," said Lily, attempting to give him a hint.

"Huh?" said James.

"Try 'brain', silly," said Lily, "You didn't even notice the hint, did you?"

"What hint? Anyway," said James, "Will you?"

"Will I what?" said Lily.

"Go flying with me, silly. And you said I had no brain."

"Go flying with you, what?" said Lily.

"Huh?" said James, "Oh, that. You sound like my Mum when you do that, Lily. Will you go flying with me please?" said James.

"Why do you want to go flying now, of all times?" said Lily, shaking her head.

"I want to go flying with Lily Evans, girl of my dreams, one last time," said James, "Sirius can continue the party without me. At least, I think he can. Did I just seriously say that? Of course he can."

"If Lily Evans is the girl of your dreams, what does that make Lily Potter?" said Lily, "Chopped liver?"

"That makes Lily Potter the woman of my dreams," said James.

"Nice save," commented Lily, rolling her eyes, "But I need my beauty sleep."

"Oh, come on Lils-"

"James!" said Lily, in mock annoyance, "You know my rules: you don't call me 'Lils', and I don't call you-"

"All right, all right!" said James.

"No," said Lily, "You committed the crime; you must pay the penalty, Jimmy!"

"No!" James yelled. Lights started to click on in the neighboring buildings.

"THEN DON'T CALL ME LILS!" Lily yelled, hammering her point home for all it was worth.

"All right, all right," said James, "But I still want you to come flying with me."

"Well..." said Lily.

"Oh, Lily," James said, whining slightly now, "Don't get like that. After all, it's Lily Evans' Last Chance."

"Well, so long as Lily Evans never has to do it again," said that damsel, fluttering her eyelashes, in the way she knew James hated.

"Lily Evans will never have to do it again," promised James.

"Good," said Lily Evans.

"I'll just go ask Mrs. Lily Potter of number ten Godric's Hollow," James continued.

"I pity her... But anyway, since it's the last time: fine, I'll go flying with you," said Lily.

"Excellent," said James, "Now, once we're airborne, don't forget to put the invisibility cloak around both of us-"

"Now he remembers," Lily interrupted, "Men..."

"Or we might jeopardize Wizarding security," continued James, "Plus, it means you can dive-bomb cars without getting arrested..."

"James Emeritus Potter, you idiot!" Lily half-screamed, "Dive-bombing cars! I'm not going along with that."

"It was a joke, dear," said James, "Then again-"

"James..." said Lily in a warning voice.

"Then again," said James, "Maybe that's why I like you so much."

"I hope not."

"Anyway, enough fiddling around," said James, "Get on the broom. Take it or leave it."

A few minutes later, James Potter and Lily Evans soared away into the night, although no-one saw them go, with the possible exception of Mad-Eye Moody, who was staying in the hotel next door. But he may not have been awake.

They returned an hour or so later, Lily yelled at James for a few minutes for pretending to dive-bomb cars, then kissed him good-night and returned to her hotel room, watching him soar off into the night.

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**OK. The plan here is for me to update every couple days until this is finished, which means I almost certainly won't have all three chapters up for months.**


	2. The Wedding

**Thanks to EvilFireWitch, who caught the mistake in this chapter. Much appreciated!Yes, this chapter is too sappy. It had to beput in, given the whole point of the story. Feel free to skim it and and go straight to the next chapter.

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Part one: 

Sirius looked over at James, who was grinning so much that it looked as though the top of his head was about to fall off. He turned to see what his friend was looking at, and felt his eyes bug out. Lily looked stunning. Sirius reminded himself hastily that she was off-limits, at least if he valued his life.

The ministry wizard cleared his throat.

"We have come here today," he began in a clear, if rather quiet, voice, "To witness the beginning of a new life together, as Lily Evans and James Potter marry."

The crowd applauded, and Sirius relaxed slightly, releasing those muscles which were not actually holding him upright.

"Lily Evans, on this day, James becomes your husband. I charge you to love him, care for him, be kind to him, and keep him out of mischief, in public and private, with joy, patience, love, gentleness, and good humor. Will you do this?"

"I will."

_She'll have a hard time at that, _thought Sirius to himself.

"James Potter, you have heard what she promises. I charge you to remember this, with patience, honor, and kindness, making her job, not a difficult task, but a lifetime of joy. Will you do this?"

"I will."

Sirius felt all conscious thought patterns begin to drift off into the state of boredom he occupied when he had to sit still for more then ten minutes.

"James Potter, on this day, Lily becomes your wife. I charge you to love her, care for her, be kind to her, and defend her, in public and private, with joy, patience, love, gentleness, and good humor. Will you do this?"

"I will."

"Lily Evans, you heard what he said today. I charge you to remember this, with patience, honor, and kindness, making his task a lifetime's joyful work, not a burden. Will you do this?"

"I will."

"Very well," said the ministry official.

The ministry official continued the ceremony, "You have heard them speak; if any have an objection, or fear foul play on either side, testify now before the world, or forever hold your peace, knowing what you have left unsaid."

Petunia looked very uneasy, as if she was preparing to speak, but Lily gave her a Look which warranted the capital letter, and she subsided back into her seat. Sirius knew that Look of old, and he also knew that it didn't bode well for Petunia if she ignored it.

Lily's parents began the ritual that always accompanied wizarding marriages (normally, the parents of both the bride and groom would recite it together, but James' parents were long dead):

"May your life together be full of joy,

May sorrow never touch you,

May your days together be long in the land..."

Sirius let his mind wander towards the reception, for which he had been selected to give the toast. It was practically traditional for the toast to be something designed to humiliate (or at least deeply embarrass) the person or persons being toasted.

_There's so much to choose from, _he thought to himself, shifting his weight slightly, _Nearly five years worth of his trying to get her attention, begging her on bended knee to go out with him, threatening to throw himself off Gryffindor tower if she didn't go out with him..._

"And what has joined together today,

Let no-one try to part.

"May you live to see your children wed,

And your children's children too,"

_I could just tell them about the day she finally agreed...That'd be hilarious enough! But if I can embarrass her too, that'd be choice. Decisions, decisions..._ Sirius snapped back into the present, just in time to catch his cue.

"Very well," said the official, "Do you, the gathering, pledge to aid them in their new life, knowing that they would do the same for you?"

"We do," said Sirius, along with everyone else present.

"That being so," said the official, "We are ready to complete the binding. James Potter, do you stand prepared?"

"I do."

"Lily Evans, do you stand prepared?"

"I do."

They reached out and clasped hands.

"Are you ready, Lily?" murmered James, so quietly that Sirius could barely hear him.

"I'm ready, James. And you?"

"I've been ready since Fifth year."

_Saps,_ thought Sirius. He stretched his wand out and placed it gently on top of their clasped hands.

"Lily Evans," said the ministry official, "Do you take James to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," said Lily.

A bolt of golden light shot out of Sirius' wand and wrapped around their hands, gently forming a rope.

"James Potter," said the official, "Do you take Lily Evans to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do,"

A second bolt of light left Sirius' wand and wrapped around the first, forming another rope.

"And do you both promise to love and be faithful to one another, for richer or poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health, all the days of your lives, till death do you part?"

"We do."

The two ropes of golden light wrapped themselves around the ring fingers of the two hands, leaving behind two plain gold rings, then merged together into one, binding Lily and James' hands together. It climbed up their arms, then sank into them, until the only trace that it had ever been there was the two gold rings on the still interlaced hands.

"Very well," said the official, "Lily Potter, you may now kiss the groom."

Lily obliged. And went on obliging, lifting her arms around her husband's neck. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and Sirius rolled his eyes. _Honestly._ _They're snogging at their own wedding. _The various family members either smiled, sighed happily, did both, or (in the case of Sirius, who was just glad to be able to move again) whistled loudly.

"Ladies and gentleman, young and old and middle-aged, I present Lily and James Potter!"

The entire crowd rose to their feet again, laughing and cheering as the newlyweds walked down the central aisle, arm-in-arm, Lily smiling gracefully, James grinning like a pumpkin.


	3. The Plot is Hatched

**Right, here's a nice un-sappy chapter. I will expect to see people guessing what form of revenge will be utilized by the happy couple. Yes, that will mean you have to review. No, I will not have mercy.**

Part two:

"Where are they?" muttered Sirius, shaking his head sadly, "It's one thing to make a stylishly late entrance at a party, but--your own wedding reception? Hopefully James didn't crash the broom. It wouldn't be the first time, though."

James and Lily were, in fact, right outside the door of the hall.

"But, James, it's _not_ a nice thing to do to your best friend. Besides, it's also a foolish thing to--do something as cruel as that--to the man who's about to make the toast at your wedding reception, if you catch my drift."

"Tell you what," said James, "I'll only do it after the toast, right-"

"_No_, James."

"All right, then, only if he brings up the purple incident, the explosion incident, the suit-of-armor incident, or the Folliclip fiasco."

"Only the fiasco," said Lily, with the air of someone haggling over a price.

"Only because that's the only one you were involved with," mumbled James, blushing furiously.

"She _is_ my-" Lily began, only to be cut off by James saying, "Shush! Someone might hear us. How about this: just the hair incident and the incident with the tangerines?"

"Fine, then," said Lily, "But if he asks, it's your fault."

James and Lily Potter entered the reception hall in fine style, smiling and waving at the various well-wishers, who ranged from Frank and Alice Longbottom, to James' great-great-great-aunt Rosalyn. They approached the high table, seating themselves between Sirius Black and Jana Whitethorn, who was the only bridesmaid; she had asked that she only be asked to help before and after the actual wedding, with the planning and with the reception, since she was almost terminally scared of the ministry official (long story). She also coordinated the menu, wrote the invitations, helped design the dress, single-handedly, and kept Sirius in line (which was a task and a half by itself).

"House-elves," called Jana, as the bridal pair sat down, "Dinner, please!" Immediately, a swarm of house-elves, dressed in the uniform of the catering establishment (a clean linen pillowcase, with a royal purple curtain-string around the waist as a belt), moved out into the hall, handing out the plates of steak and fish. Within one minute, everyone was served. (_Good service,_ thought Sirius.)

After about ten minutes of dedicated eating on everyone's part, a clear pinging noise rang out through the hall. Sirius was tapping his glass.

"I thought I'd better give you a few minutes to eat something, because you're not going to get much chance after this." he muttered to James.

James glanced over at Lily.

"Do we ignore him?" he inquired.

"Y'know, James, I think I've had enough to eat. Let's make him regret it." And indeed, after a while, Sirius wished he hadn't had the idea to tap the stupid glass in the first place. They were putting him off his food.

When the dessert was finished and it was time for the toast, Sirius stood on a chair.

"House-elves, would you please distribute the Butterbeer? Thank you."

James gritted his teeth, and Lily reached over and squeezed his hand.

"Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, the moment we've all been waiting for has come!" scattered cheers from the younger attendees, "When planning what to tell about for the toast, there were numerous thing I could have chosen...the tangerine incident-"  
Those of the assembled who had been at school with the Marauders cheered. Sirius waved his hand for silence.

"-but I can't tell you about that one, because some of the...er...fellow perpetrators...are still at school. You know who you are," (Here there were knowledgeable smiles on the faces of some of the older teenagers) Sirius continued: "Or perhaps the explosion incident, except that I still owe people money about that. You don't know who you are, and I want it to stay that way (Suspicious looks from anyone who remembered the explosion incident, or knew Sirius, and Professor McGonagall, who wasn't sure which explosion incident was meant, since she could remember at least three). Or I could have told you about the Macarena-" Here, those of the assembled who knew much about muggles (or remembered the Marauders' graduation) burst out laughing. Sirius waved for silence again. "But James won't have a reason to keep quiet about the incident with the-um- chandelier anymore if I tell you about that, and, frankly, I'd rather no-one heard about the chandelier. But, anyway, the incident I decided to tell you about involves Lily, too, and I thought that was appropriate."

_"He gets it now!"_ Lily muttered, _"He had no business dragging me into it, he's _your_ best friend, not mine!"_

_"He would've gotten it anyway. I'm going to have people trying to slip me truth potions for months, just because he couldn't keep his stupid mouth shut about the Macarena."_

"Anyhow, I thought very carefully about it," continued Sirius, "And I decided that James would kill me, so that's what I'm telling you about." There were appreciative noises from the children and teenagers in the room. "It all started about-oh, what would you say, James-almost ten years ago..."

April 30, 1972, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black were sitting under a tree by the Hogwarts lake, throwing things at the giant squid. Or, more accurately, Sirius was throwing things, Remus was studying, and James was daydreaming about the recent Quidditch match, in which Gryffindor had swept the floor, dusted the shelves, and cobwebbed the ceilings with Slytherin. Sirius was doing a silent little victory dance, after a particularly good shot, when he noticed Severus Snape slipping quietly along the grounds towards the Forbidden Forest. He poked James.

"James! Look! It's Snivellus!"

James sat bolt upright, twisted around, and stared at the vanishing form of a greasy-haired student in Slytherin robes.

"Oi! Snivelly!" he yelled.

"Don't call him that!" shouted another voice from behind him. Lily Evans was advancing on him, wand raised.

"What's this?' yelled Sirius, "Miss Perfect Lily Evans is going to jinx us? We're inside the school?"

"Shut up." muttered James.

"For your information, Black, we're not officially inside the school here. I looked it up. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore will get around to banning it soon, but in the meantime...Don't make me mad."

"If you can jinx me, then I can jinx you!" yelled Sirius, ignoring James' continued attempts to stop him from yelling at Lily.

"In theory, Black," said Lily, "But, as I recall, you were bragging about having gotten 60 in your last test on blocking hexes, whereas I got full marks. So you can't hit me after all."

"Don't try, Sirius." muttered James again.

"So you think jinxing girls is dishonorable?" said Sirius, "Well, maybe you're right."

"SO YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE A JINX, JUST BECAUSE I'M A GIRL?" thundered Lily.

"No, no, no!" exclaimed Sirius, who could usually recognize danger before he got himself jinxed into oblivion.

"You couldn't jinx me anyway, Black," said Lily.

"Shut up, Sirius!" said James, before Sirius could open his mouth.

"So you think I can, Potter?" said Lily, "That's very nice of you. Just for that, I'll only jinx Black, and I'll leave you out of it." She raised her wand. James stepped in front of his friend, attempting to stop Lily from casting whatever jinx was on her mind. He was too late.

"Folliclip!" said Lily, flicking her wand. James fell gracefully over, landed hard, and passed out.

He woke up in the hospital wing late that night. It took mere seconds to notice the mirror that had been placed in front of him, and to work out the reason for it. All his hair was gone. Oh, his eyebrows were still there, and his eyelashes too, but his scalp was completely bare. Madam Pomfrey knew James of old, and knew that he would jinx or punch everything in sight when he found out that all his hair was missing. Her concern was misplaced, because James, far from the happy realms of punching and jinxing, rolled over and cried. He was bald. HE was bald. He WAS bald. He was BALD. All his lovely, messy, scrupulously clean hair was gone...

"It was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in my life." said Sirius, "Bar none. Except maybe the time that-but I'm taking too long." He had noticed James' expression.

_"That snake-in-the-grass," _muttered Lily, _"He neglects to mention that it was _him_ who spiked my breakfast oatmeal with belligerence potion that day, just to see what would happen."_

_"So he gets it?"_ asked James hopefully.

_"Definitely."_

"Anyway," said Sirius, "To Lily and James Potter, long may they live, and happy may they be!" The assembled raised their glasses, happily toasting the newlyweds.

Jana told a sweetly cheerful little story about how she and Lily had once fallen off of a 'borrowed' broomstick and landed on Lily's father, who was seen to wince at the memory of two twelve-year-olds landing on him. James and Lily listened politely, although they had never been particularly worried about Jana, who would be getting married herself in a few months and had already asked Lily to be the maid of honor; they had agreed that what went around was quite likely to come around, and they both knew that Lily had stories that she could tell, too. Sirius did not appear to be in any danger of assuming what he referred to as 'the life sentence of doom'.

"_I'll deal with Petunia," murmured Lily into James' ear, "You deal with Sirius."_

**And on that suspenseful note, I leave you. Reviewing is much appreciated. For one thing, I write faster with encouragement.** **For full details of the macarena incident, check my sister Madrabbit's profile and read The Candy Chronicles, which is long but worth it.**


	4. Revenge is Exacted

Part Three:

Lily walked calmly around the reception hall, chatting with the guests, trying to remember the names of the many members of James' extended family. She bent over slightly, letting a house-elf refill her glass, and then beckoned the little creature forward.

"Can you put this in a glass of iced tea for me, and then bring it back to me?" she asked. The house-elf nodded and hurried off towards the kitchen. One of James' numerous second cousins was congratulating her and wishing her joy, long life, many little children to carry on the noble name Potter, and safe travels for the rest of her imaginable life when the house-elf returned, carrying a glass of cold iced tea, spiked with the love potion James had brewed a week before. She made her excuses to the cousin ('and happy new year to you too, Beatrice'), and walked over towards the table where Petunia was sitting with her parents. She quietly levitated the glass, raising it carefully into the air above her sister's head, and then brought it gently down next to Petunia's right hand.

She promenaded sedately back to the high table, where she waited for the fun to start.

James joined her a moment later.

"Did you do it?" she asked.

"Yes! Did you?"

"Uh-huh."

"When should it kick in?"

"Any minute now…"

"Why isn't it working…?"

"Did you let anything slip to Sirius?"

"No, but I wouldn't put it past him to take an antidote on general principle…"

Then it worked.

Sirius looked sideways at the table where Lily's family was sitting. The sister, what was her name (Petulant, that was her name) Whatever her name was, she was looking awfully sulky. _No, wait. She wasn't sulky, she was…beautiful._

Petunia stared sulkily at the high table. Mother and Father made a big deal about Lily getting married, 'no problem, let's throw a big party, our baby girl is getting married!', but when Petunia told them she was marrying Vernon, all they did was sigh and look worried. Vernon was twice as respectable as any of the people here! He was probably three times as respectable as that long-haired, scruffy excuse for a best man. _And such long, silky hair it was, gleaming above dark eyes full of soul._

There eyes met across the crowded reception hall. They stood dreamily up.

_She's so…clean,_ though Sirius, grinning like an idiot. Petunia's mind was dissolving. By this time, not even the most accomplished Legilimens could have discerned anything, except perhaps her name.

They walked towards each-other as though in a trance, both grinning like idiots. They met in the middle of the hall, then stood staring shyly at each-other.

"Hello," said Petunia, as though in a day dream.

_What a voice!_ thought Sirius, _Like nightingale song!_

"Hello," he said softly, staring at his shoes. The next thing he knew, he was being snogged by Petunia Evans.

"Urgh," said Lily, "Do you think this qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment?"

"Cruel and unusual revenge, love," said James, "And he deserved it."

"Still, though," she said, "It's not terribly fun to watch, either."

"The after-effects will be funny, though," said James.

"Especially when Mother and Dad give Petunia a good talking-to about the appropriate behavior of engaged young ladies," said Lily, "Although they may make comments about how Sirius is a much nicer young gentleman."

"That'll make Petunia's day," commented James, who was attempting to make a blindfold out of his tie, in order to defend his sensitive eyes from the sight of his horrible sister-in-law snogging his best friend.

"How long did you set it to last for, James?" asked Lily, "I can't put up with this much longer!"

"Only about fifteen minutes," said James, "Then they'll both come to their senses simultaneously."

"That'll be fun to watch, anyway," said Lily.

They sat together in silence, attempting to imagine the reactions of their two victims.

"Y'know," said James, "I think I'm glad we're going to be on our honeymoon for a few months."

"So that's just enough time for him to think of something really nasty to do to us," said Lily.

James swore. "I forgot about that."

"Don't curse, love," said Lily, "I'm your wife now, I'm allowed to make you pay."

"You always did anyway," said James, "Why would you stop now?"

"I'm not, James," she said, "That's the point. I'm just _allowed_ to make you pay now."

James opened his mouth to answer, then was apparently struck by an idea. He hesitated for a moment, then tapped his glass.

"Honestly, James," said Lily, "All you had to do was-" She was abruptly cut off.

Mrs. Evans was involved in an animated conversation with her husband when something caught her eye.

"Everard," she said, prodding her husband's arm, "Look at Petunia!"

"Where is she?" he asked, looking around.

"Right there!"

"Oh, dear. I couldn't see her face."

"I'm not surprised! He looks like he's about to swallow her head!"

"Charming."

"Sorry, dear," said Mrs. Evans, "But she's _engaged_! I can't imagine what Vernon will think."

"I can," said Everard.

"How long has it been, James?" asked Lily, fervently hoping it wouldn't be long.

"About two minutes now," replied James, "Then the show will really start!"

"In the meantime, though..." said Lily, then tapered off. Nothing more really needed to be said.

"Oy, James," said Remus, who had appeared from the little table where he was seated with several of James' younger cousins, "Did you make him do that?"

"What do you think?" asked James, "And how are things with the baby brigade?"

"They're just fine," said Remus, smiling slightly, "After I got them to stop throwing baked potatoes at eachother. Sirius is going to slaughter you, you realize that?"

"You're a life-saver, Moony," said James.

"I don't think you're salvageable this time, Prongs," said Remus, "Sirius is going to go around the twist."

"Nah, I meant the peanut gallery," said James, gesturing at the gang of eight- and nine-year-olds, who were now throwing mashed potatoes at eachother again, "I can handle Sirius, but cousins are dangerous."

"He _is_ your cousin."

"My _first_ cousin once _removed_," said James, "It's not the same thing."

"Whatever you say. I have to go, Cygnus is throwing forks again." Remus jogged off to settle the silverware war taking place between Cygnus Black and another unidentifiable small child.

"Honestly, I don't know how Moony stands it," said James wonderingly, "I'd be tearing my hair out by now."

"He likes kids, that's all," said Lily, "Honestly, how are you going to stand _our_ children?"

"Our children will _behave,_" said James.

"Why?" asked Lily, "Did you?"

"No!" exclaimed James, "No self-respecting kid..." He closed his mouth, stared into space for a moment, then rested his head in his hands. "What've I gotten myself into..."

Lily laughed softly. "Honestly, James, you torment your parents for seventeen years and then expect to get off easy yourself?"

"Well..."

"Don't answer that."

"All right, then," said James, "How about a change of subject? That potion's wearing off in twenty seconds."

"The thing is, though," said Lily, "No one but my parents and a couple of kids are watching."

James instantly stood on his chair. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" he shouted, "I would like to draw your attention to the sordid affairs of Sirius Black and Petunia Evans, who are right over there!"

Lily buried her face in her hands, listening to the sounds of murmuring voices.

"Young 'uns didn't do that in public in my day!" shouted one of James' great aunts, who was very deaf, and probably under the impression that she was whispering, "That was what parlors were for!"

"Ten," said James quietly, "Nine,"

"Eight," murmured Lily, "Seven,"

"Six," they said together, "Five, four, three, two, one!"

Sirius had a vague sense that something was wrong. _What was it? _He was upright, not noticeably ill, all bits attached, snogging a girl...what was her name?

Sirius threw himself backwards, spitting wildly on the floor. _Well, I'm noticeably ill now._ Petunia was standing absolutely still, apparently in a state of shock. _How does she think _I_ feel?_ Petunia looked slowly around her, taking in all the people staring at her. She whimpered slightly, turned on her heel, and fled. The door slammed behind her. Sirius ran to the table where Remus was sitting, surrounded by gaping children. He grabbed a glass of water from the table, gargled with it, and spat on the floor. A house-elf came dashing over to mop it up.

"Did you know about this, _Lupin?"_ he spat.

"Not until it was too late, Padfoot," replied Remus.

"Did that hurt, mister?" asked one freckle-faced little girl, "It looked like your chin was going to fall off!"

"Eurgh!" remarked a boy who might have been her brother.

Sirius stalked away, painfully aware of Lily and James rocking with laughter, their arms around eachother, her face buried in his shoulder.

"Y'know, James," said Lily, still laughing.

"Yes, love?"

"Petunia is never going to forgive me."

"Sirius will, though," said James, "He pities you, can't think why."

"Does he, now?" asked Lily, "Do you think further revenge is necessary?"

"I dunno, that was pretty bad already," said James, "But if you want..."

"I do, believe you me," said Lily, "I think your attitude is rubbing off on me."

"Good," said James, kissing her.

"Excuse me?" said Jana, who was red in the face with concealed laughter, "Not to butt in, but are you two ready to cut the cake?"


	5. The Epilogue

**And, out of left field, the epilogue and the end of my little story...sorry it's been so long**

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Epilogue: 

"Well, we're home…" said James.

"Uh-huh," said Lily, straightening the "**_I got lost in Muggle Paris!_** " pin on her robes.

"Do you think we should let Sirius know?"

"Are you joking? Anyway, Remus will tell him tomorrow."

"Let me rephrase that; are we sure we should've let Sirius know?"

"We didn't."

James looked skeptical. "Remus _is_ a Marauder, my darling wife."

"That's the scariest name you've ever called me…"

James grinned. "Wait till 'My Darling Wife and Mother of My Beloved Children' before you say that."

Lily pretended to swoon. James scooped her up and started walking slowly towards the front door.

Lily allowed her eyelashes to flutter dreamily open

"I had the strangest dream," she said, digging her elbow into her husband's side, "I dreamed I was married to James Potter."

"Really," said James, "What a coincidence; I've been dreaming you were married to James Potter since I was fifteen." They were up on the front porch by now. James was fumbling with door handle with the hand under her shoulders, gallantly trying not to drop her. She leaned her head on her husband's shoulder and sighed softly with contentment.

Then the bucket of whitewash landed on James' head.

He gently put her down, and then removed the bucket from his head and threw it on the ground. He glared at Lily, who was giggling hysterically, congealing whitewash running in streams down her robes.

"What?!" he asked. Lily couldn't speak through her giggles, but she managed to point. There, on the floor, in the splash of whitewash next to the offending bucket, were fifteen words and three marks. The first mark was a plain white circle, the second a dog's paw print, and the third, barely visible in its smallness, was a semi-circular line which might have been the print of a rat's tail. The words were:

**_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot would like to wish Messr. & Mdme. Prongs a happy homecoming._**

Lily grinned, giggles subsiding slightly. "Apparently I was wrong…"

"I'm going to _kill_ Remus!" said James.

Fin

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**Holy Cow. It's finished. If you haven't reviewed yet, this is your last shot for this story. Feel free to check out my other works (although they're all oneshots) if you haven't already. I hope you enjoyed it.**


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